The long road back

March 6

Spoiler alert: I'm home.

Much to my disbelief, my time in Zambia has come to an end.

Everybody, including myself, kept saying "I can't believe we're almost done". It feels as though we just arrived and yet it feels like we've always been here.

Just seven short weeks ago, we stepped out of the plane into the hot, humid Zambian air. Everything was fresh and new - an adventure in the making. The money confused us, the markets intimidated us (me), and the wildlife amazed us. Everyone had difficult to understand accents and things were just so different.

Seven weeks later, I'm used to the heat, the sweat, and the smells. The money is second nature, the markets are part of life, and the wildlife is neat but we've seen it. We understand what the Zambians are saying and they understand us. Everything is normal.

Now that we're finding ourselves at home in Zambia enjoying our care-free tropical life, we have to leave. We took Shalom back to Lusaka, stayed the night at Kalulu backpackers, flew out on British Airways to London, stayed at the Holiday Inn, and flew off to Vancouver.

I feel so strange. Part of it is how inarticulable it all is. I have lived this great life without good TV (sorry ZNBC!), without steady internet or electricity, and without anything previously recognizable. I've come to know some great people in my grad class who have turned out to be even greater than I first thought. I've even come to understand some Zambian culture and have grown to love it. The people, the places, the smells, the feelings. It's all part of who I am now.

And yet I have to return to 'normal life' again. After mentally exhausting days and tearful nights, it's hard to believe that we would come to want to stay here. Forever? Maybe not. But at least for another day, week, or maybe month.

Coming back to the Western world has been somewhat less world-shaking than I expected. I mean, it's not as though we were gone for that long. Some things did strike me though: street lights, seat belts, nice showers, the food, the attitudes.

Truly the attitudes have struck me the hardest. I woke up early today (thank you jet lag) and went out to go to the bank. Even though Kelowna has at least four times the population, there were so few people outside. The people I did pass avoided eye contact as they shuffled by. Cars drove by without honking. In that moment, I felt so intensely alone. Nobody was greeting me or asking how I was. Nobody knew who I was, where I was going, or wanted to take me there. Something I craved the most - anonymity - wasn't giving me the comfort that I had hoped for.

I arrived at the bank and joined the queue. I could sense an air of impatience as people shifted their weight from leg to leg, glancing at their watches. It was contagious. I reached for my phone to check the time and check Facebook aimlessly. I caught myself and wondered, "What am I doing??"

If there's one thing that I truly loved about Zambia and Zambians, it was how in the moment they were. Sure, people used their phones to chat and text but not all the time. When people spoke to you, it was thoughtful and they stayed present. People didn't lose themselves to tiny screens, they sat around with each other, talked, laughed, and communicated. Here, in the bank in Canada, I felt as though each person was as far from each other as me from the country I had grown to love. I shook my impatience away with my mantra, TIA.

I phoned Sylvia to try to articulate this. I knew I didn't belong in Zambia but I felt as though I didn't fully belong in Canada either. It was a hollow feeling in my stomach, a numbness in my heart. I was so happy to be home but I felt a dull sadness at the same time. Back to 'reality' again.

It's a strange feeling but I think that it will come to pass. I attribute some of it to jet lag and the insatiable tiredness that comes with it. I attribute the rest of it to my heart and mind taking the scenic route back to Canada. My body made it back on time but my heart and mind are lingering behind, not quite ready to leave Zambia.